1/ Effective Pauses
Don’t you like to feel heard?
Don’t you enjoy it when people want to know more about you?
Yes, we’re all full of ourselves. When in a conversation that you want to win, pause.
Encourage the opponent to talk.
People like talking about themselves. And giving them an opportunity to do exactly that will give you more brownie points.
“If you approach a negotiation thinking the other guy thinks like you, you are wrong. That’s not empathy, that’s a projection.”― Chris Voss
2/ Minimal Encourages
This again hits the deep desire we love to talk more about ourselves.
We love for somebody to know more about us, and it’s easy to get carried away by sometimes revealing a depth of information you otherwise wouldn't.
And for somebody to get there — ask questions.
Ask them questions that lead them to reveal more information about themselves.
Once you help somebody open up to you, it’ll be easier for them to trust you.
3/ Mirroring Repeat
“By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.” ―
Chris Voss
Here’s an excerpt from the Inc which explained Voss’ technique:
“Mirroring is the repetition of key words the other person uses in conversation. It’s designed to show the person that you’re listening and that you understand them.
According to Voss, mirroring is most effective when you repeat one, two, or three words from the last words your counterpart has spoken. It’s especially effective in defusing anger or hostility.”
Next time when you’re in a conversation, repeat 1–3 words of the opponent’s last sentence. This makes them feel that they are heard and that you’re actively listening.
According to Voss, also helps them connect their thoughts.
4/ Labelling
“The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it.” ―
Chris Voss
Try to figure out what the other person is feeling. The amygdala in the brain controls your emotions. Studies show that showing photos trigger emotions.
Here’s another excerpt from the Inc speaking about labelling:
“A label is a verbal acknowledgement of the other side’s feelings or positions. Labels are used to neutralize negative emotions or reinforce positive ones.”
So putting a label on somebody’s emotions will trigger an emotional response from them. It also helps them diffuse negative emotions.
E.g. “I think you’re feeling upset (label) about this?”
5/ Paraphrasing
Think of it this way.
You read a particular research. It has the method, experiment, findings, and conclusion. And then, you write down what you learned in your own words.
You write your version of what you’ve understood.
This is paraphrasing. It is simply rephrasing what you comprehend with your own understanding.
In a conversation, when you paraphrase what your opponent is saying, it will help them feel they’re clear and understood.
“The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas” ― Chris Voss
Conclusion
I was surprised how a few tricks from the book don’t just help in negotiation but can be used as people skills to appear more likeable in a conversation.
In a way, it all sums down to making the other person feel warm, heard, and understood.
Do you agree?
Here are 5 techniques to use in a conversation to be likeable and win a negotiation:
- Effective Pauses
- Minimal Encourages
- Mirroring
- Labelling
- Paraphrasing
I hope you can use them in a conversation soon and see if it changes anything. Use it to win a negotiation, as the intention of this book is, or to win a conversation.
All the best!
Source — Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss